SCORE!

The lovely and irrepressible Marrina has another claim to fame: She can now be considered a Hot Chick With Douchebag, in the literal and literary sense.

Jesse Draxler

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Today is not the greatest.

You know those days that start out pretty well...the sun's shining, your coffee's hot and you're up early enough to drink it while watching the news...and you're hoping good things happen today but as it slowly goes on more and more things come at you that are stressful, then super sucky, then pretty horrible, your head feels like it's going to explode into thousands and thousands of tiny colored paper confetti and you think about all the really bad things that could happen and you're already worried about the people you care about and even though you did a rather swell job of keeping your chin up and your smile big all of a sudden you find yourself exhausted and slumped on your couch, teary-eyed and staring at the TV, wondering how it's possible for so many big incredibly suck-ass things to be packed into one 18-hour span of a day?

Yeah. Today was kind of like that.

And now I have one less that I have to keep...

My roommates, Rich & Jen, are now engaged! Rich decided to propose to her in Santorini while they were across the world on their cruise. I knew about this before they left, which of course terrified me for the simple reason that I am horrible at keeping secrets like this: One wayward look from the party involved and I buckle like a belt.

But now I don't have to keep my big trap shut anymore! WOOOOT!

Congratulations, you two! My one brilliant and insightful piece of relationship advice to you is make sure that, in the midst of all this romantic engagement bliss, you don't forget the most important part of your relationship. Which, of course, is me.

I would just like to announce on here that I have done an amazing job of keeping my mouth shut on a number of deliciously juicy secrets.

Listening to: I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby by 3OH!3
So. Even though I can't tell you what they are and that might make you mad, you should be pretty impressed at what a good job I've been doing at not telling you what they are.

Beer. It makes life taste good.

Anheuser-Busch merged with/sold itself to InBev (the - until the merger- second largest brewery in the world, headquartered in Belgium) on Sunday. In memory as well as in future hopes that InBev doesn't fuck a good thing up, I've decided to break tradition and post some video treats off-weekend. These are my favorite "Real Men of Genius" commercials...and you will watch every single one of them, because I have excellent taste in everything.

Girl you know it's true.

Mr. Nudist Colony Activities Coordinator


Mr. Pro Sports Heckler Guy


3 in 1 Special


Mr. Cell Phone Holster Wearer


Mr. Discount Airline Pilot Guy


Really Bad Toupee Wearer


And because some people are half-lame for disabling embedding by request but half-awesome for putting three of the best radio ads together in one video, here's a link to a 3 in 1 . GO THERE NOW!

When I think of all the hours and hours of my life I've spent on the internet, I think to myself, Wow, I'm really rich with internet.

Listening to: Mercy by Duffy

I try to stay out of the whole Julia Allison internet drama stuff. I just don't really care. She does a lot of stuff on the internet. Cool. Some people don't like her. That's a shocker. Sometimes the internet and this crazy blogging world strikes me as similar to the politics surrounding lunch hour in the third grade: Who you sit with and who won't sit with you is apparently really important.

Anyway, Julia is a contributor on a new site that just launched today called Non Society. The tag line is "Live Differently", and as of launch there are 3 contributors: A dating columnist (guess who), a "geekette", and a "style snob". Really? Yawn. So basically, at this point in time, it's like Glamour or Cosmo.com but with a lot less content. And can I just do a little bit of a tiny little rant while I'm at it (answer: Yes, because it's my fucking blog and you'll read and like it)? Can we please have one contributing-blogger type site where the "geekette" is geeking out on something other than tech stuff? Where's my Lord of the Rings ladies? How about some Hobbit homegirls? A couple of music trivia mavens, mayhaps?

The point is, I didn't have anything else to blog about today so this became it.

Holla!

Weekend Video Treats: Sparkle Picnic

This week I received a hilarious email from Jason of Sparkle Picnic, a YouTube sketch comedy troupe from St. Cloud. He prefaced their videos in the most perfect way for this girl right here by saying that their stuff is "cheap, stupid, and in short seven-minute doses" (thaaaat's pretty much how I like everything in my life to be, if we're playing the Honesty Game...).

Their stuff is awesome. And, as Max posted on MNspeak yesterday, their latest episode, "Sensual Assault" has been viewed more than 84,000 times. So I bring you a Sparkle Picnic for Weekend Video Treats today. Get it? I said picnic and then treats. And I said it as if I was referring to food and not video stuff on the internet. GET IT?!

Delicious Linkity-Links. Like sausage, only better...mainly because I don't even like sausage.

If you follow one link this entire weekend, let it be this one. I'm not kidding. Some of you hate links. I don't care - follow it. Some of you hate YouTube videos. It doesn't matter, you only have to listen instead of watch it...you'll still be able to continue working on your Star Wars Legos re-enactment. Only this time, you'll be nerding it up while enjoying the most hilarious example in the entire world of what a douchebag is.

The 2008 Most Beautiful People at the Capital Awards. Rich (the voice of The Defenestrator) is my roommate, and even though he seems to be spending his time writing this blog instead of making me dinner and running my errands for me, sometimes I don't hold that against him. Kevin From Minneapolis - loyal reader and commenter of this blog - was very helpful, I hear, in giving ideas of who might best capture some of these awards. I don't usually give a ton of props on this blog for being a perv, but, Kevin, I guess you were bound to get credit for it someday...so, congratulations, Kevin, on putting your perviness to good and entertaining use. Rich, I guess you didn't do too bad, either.

Edit: Jason gets the background info.

Bet you didn't know I like art, huh? That's because I'm MYSTERIOUS.

Courtesy of Jesse Draxler.

More Happy Birthday America antics

can be found here.

Flying Kittens

The Best 4th of July eva. Happy Birthday America, here's a 100 Hamms to you.

Are you there, Loomer? It's me, Amber.

Listening To: Personal by The Stars

The public has spoken! You love my posts about Facebook chats with Loomer!

So Old Man Loomer has a girlfriend now, which it totally awesome, 'cept that it means that he's not hanging around on Facebook Chat all day and so now there is no one on there who really understands me. And Loomer and I...we're pretty good at the Facebook Chat. Plans for a new civilization have been hatched just from some of our conversations. That, and the exchange of some salacious gossip and maybe just a tiny bit of that "heart-to-heart" stuff you always hear them talking about on Golden Girls.

So, to give you just a little taste - and to remind Loomer of what he's missing out on by hanging out with a totally cool and radical girlfriend all the time when he could be sitting at home, Facebook Chatting with his whiny and mean platonic friend - here is one of my favorite chat excerpts:

David:

you haven't been online in like a year

Amber:

Dude, I know. But that's like the pot calling the kettle black, Mr. I Can't Talk To You Right Now I'm Talking To My Girlfriend.

David:

oops, I texted you prematurely

Amber:

Better than ejaculating prematurely.

David:

lame

I've been alone all weekend.

and occasionally on Facebook.

no Amber to be seen.

Amber:

Aw sad! Why?

Oh. You mean me.

David:

L*s*e* was in Chicago. I pick her up at the airport in a little bit.

Amber:

Cute.

You guys gonna do the thing where you jump into each other's arms and swing around and kiss passionately as soon as she comes down the walkway?

David:

now there's an awesome idea

Amber:

I did that once. It was pretty awesome.

Course, I had just been in England for 3 months, so it was merited.

David:

England, Schmengland.

Lame.

Amber:

Shut up.

Flying Tanks.

HOT DAMN!

Now I finally know where I can find the man I've been waiting for all my life!!!

Flying Sharks.

Meredith and her Magic Bag.

Our lovely and adorable friend Meredith has long had a reputation for being prepared for any event. There have been legends written about her "Magic Bag" and the mysteries it contains. At times it reminds one of the Room of Requirement from the Harry Potter novels, as it seems that at any given time, this chick has got what you need. Bad breath gettin' you down? Meredith's got some breath mints. Button loose on your cardi? Meredith's got a sewing kit. Surprised by your cycle? Girrrrl, you know who you can turn to!

So the other night over beers and dice, Meredith was convinced to empty the contents of her Magic Bag and let the rest of us marvel at the Hipster Martha Stewart that she is:
Truly amazing. Sometimes I can't even manage to remember my wallet half the time.

Yeah! Take THAT!

So the other night, while waiting for Katy at the airport (she, like the rest of my best friends, decided to abandon me these past two weeks for sight-seeing trips. Why you gotta travel when you gots me?!), I bought a Cosmo for the first time in about, oh, 2 years. (There's only one reason why I would choose to buy a Cosmopolitan magazine over all the other magazines for the first time in 2 years. And if you can guess the reason, I will buy you a beer or write a post proclaiming your loyal readership and other admirable qualities, since the only way to know that is by having paid attention to the musings on this blog for a loooooong time.)

So I'm reading the advice column that's written by a guy, and it's starting to really bother me. First of all, this guy seems to really think that secretly being gay is an answer to any type of sexual dysfunction. Second, he keeps defending bad behavior by trying to explain that certain things, like ogling other girls, is just "in our nature".

Stuff like this always gets me. First off, whether it's really in men's nature or if it's more nurture remains to be debated. Even so, just because it's "in your nature" DOESN'T MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER IT. I used to love it when my guy friends or brothers would try to blame their bad behavior on "just being a guy".
"Yeah, I cheated on her, and it was wrong, I guess, but I'm a guy," someone (his name was Tommy) once said, shrugging his shoulders.
"So having a penis gives you a free ticket to be an asshole at any point in time?" I asked him. "Well, no, but like...guys cheat. We look at other girls. It's just what we do."
"Really? Because there are lots of girls who'll have sex with guys and tell them they're on birth control even though they're not so they can get pregnant and then trap them into a relationship or get child support. I could do that, because I'm a girl, and girls have babies. I mean, it's just what we do."
"It's not the same thing."
"No, it totally is. The only difference is that I'm smart enough to know that I would have to take responsibility for my own actions and not just blame it on being born with a vagina."

And again, I'm not trying to slag on the menfolk. I'm slagging on the mentality (and yes, there are girls who are guilty of this, too). I hate when people try to excuse bad behavior by just shrugging their shoulders and saying, "Oh, but that's just me." So you being you is being a rude, ignorant, immature jerk? That's sweet. Remind me of that the next time I'm tempted to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Overconfidence

Survival